My mother and I have not always been the best of friends. It is fair to say that I went through my share of the "I hate my life and myself and it is all of your fault" phase. We had a rough go of it growing up and in my immature teenage mind I felt as though SHE should have prevented all of our unnecessary, as I saw it, pain and discomfort. It wasn't until the birth of my own daughter that it hit me. This parenting thing is f@#ing hard and my mom is a rock star. I figured out that while my sister and i were enduring the pain and hardships of our childhood she was protecting us from her own and patching our wounds. She was left alone with two daughters and quite the mess to clean up all while trying to heal from things I still have a hard time imagining. When I thought she was isolating herself from us, she was protecting us from her own pain. When I thought she didn't care about what was important to me, that she didn't get me, she cared more then I ever realized and knew me better then I did myself.
My mom is one of the strongest and most caring people I've ever met. Yeah I know everyone says that but seriously even if she was not my mommy I would think so. She is an RN, an RN that watches people die more then she saves them. She isn't just any nurse either, she is the kind of nurse that gets to know her patients and goes to their funerals. She takes them on like she did her own two girls. She knows what they like and what matters to them, she gets them. She is a friend, the kind of friend you call at 2 am for anything and she is there. She gives and when I say give I mean to a perfect stranger who needs gastric bypass surgery and a cosigner and she just has to help. I can't count how many times I've heard that out of her mouth, "I have to because who else will help them." As you can imagine if this is how she treats perfect strangers, I'm a pretty lucky daughter. Not to mention the awesome attributes she has passed down to me.
The older I get the more I realize that everything about myself that I'm proud of, that I like, I see in her. When I love my own daughters I realize I'm only capable of this love because it's love that I know, the love I know from my mother. I also get my lack of patience and the "you better do it my way," attitude from her as well but hey no one is perfect. I used to try to pretend that what she thought of me didn't matter and everyday I laugh at myself for how far off I was. What she thinks of me means everything and it always has. I share things with her I would not dare share with another soul and I do this because she already knows these things, she gets me. She finishes my thoughts and hugs me before I even start to cry. In her I find an abundance of strength to be a better mom and wife. She doesn't owe me an apology for past mistakes but she approaches them with a sense of humility, I believe for my benefit. Because of that I'm not as scared to make my own mistakes. You know that love you have for your kids, that awesome untouchable love that feels amazing. Well imagine what it feels like to receive that love, it makes you weightless.
The part of all of this that gets me is that I realize this kind of relationship with you mother is rare. I suppose what bewilders me the most is that my own mother was never given this gift of unconditional love from a mother yet she chooses everyday to share it with me. I thank God everyday that she found it inside of herself to make a decision to be a different kind of mother. I'm not sure I could have done the same and I'm very grateful that I don't have to find out.
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