Agonizing over guilt is something that comes along with parenthood, at least for me. Well ok I am a terribly guilt prone person. I was the only kid in my catholic kindergarten class to cry when the nun told us that Jesus died for our sins. What? My sins? My five year old self had committed sins that killed Jesus? Aside from my natural tendency to feeling irrational guilt there is the amazing amount that is forced on us as parents. One cannot help but see it all over the TV, in magazines and the oh so friendly and up in you business mom at the park doesn't help either.
I all too often find myself lying in bed at night thinking "Should I be feeding my kids only organic food? Does Olivia watch too much TV? Is she prepared for school? How about for life? Oh my God I'm a terrible mother!!" On a side note can I ask why organic food costs more if you are not using any chemicals to make it. Shouldn't I be paying more for all of the evil chemicals and fancy soil? But noooo, my organic strawberries with no chemicals that were grown in cow poop and rot quicker cost a fortune. Anyway back to the point, the guilt is endless. I feel guilty when I buy the kids something used and even more guilty when it's new because I am teaching them to expect too much. I feel bad when I teach Olivia to let go during an argument because she will become too passive. But if she stands up for herself she is too aggressive and pushy. What is a mom to do? Why do we have these unrealistic expectations for ourselves?
Nobody wants their kids to grow up and be Hitler or Charles Manson, or is that only my obsession. I find myself asking what did Hitler's mom do? What did Charles Mason's mom feed him for dinner? Oh crap it was the processed sweets wasn't it? Charles Manson ate processed sweets and so do my kids so it's inevitable isn't it? Because when kids grow up and become evil adults it always comes back to the mom. What did that screwed up mom do that poor kid is what they ask. Ok so I'm not Hitler's mom and Olivia is not Charles Manson in the making but still. This is scary stuff, keep you awake at night and obsess for hours scary. And what about all of the less dramatic and hypothetical stuff. I want my kids to be smart and enjoy life to it's fullest. I want them to know what it feels like to really love something and to feel that love from someone else. I want them to be kind and open minded to situations they couldn't possibly understand. I also kind of want them to be cool and have good taste in music, oooh and politics too.
I realize we have very little control over all of our children's choices but it would kill me to know that I did something to hold them back. When I stop and think, I mean really think about being a parent, it terrifies me. I am responsible for someones life here. The decisions I make will help to form them and shape all future relationships they have. I could really screw these girls up if I'm not careful and that blows my mind. They don't say it's the most important job you will ever have for no reason....... because it is!!! Then I remind myself to calm down and take a deep breath. My childhood was by no means perfect and I'm sure my mom didn't know what the hell she was doing most of the time and I turned out only needing a couple of years of therapy to recover. Seriously though all that really mattered was that my mom loved me, unconditionally loved me. I knew I could completely screw up and she would simply hug me and help me figure out what to do next. She loves me whole including bad temper and inappropriate sense of humour. So as guilty as I often feel I know in the end that loving my kids no matter what they do and who they become is the most important part of my job even when I don't get that back, because sometimes you don't.
So you will still obsess over what's in the kid's lunch boxes and whether they had enough mind stimulating activity today because that's what you do. Or in my case whether or not they will end up basing a CSI episode on their crimes. Being a parent involves a lot of guilt and sleepless nights. After those sleepless nights you pull yourself together and put everything you have into loving them. Even if they listen to elevator music and like George W. You take a deep breath, try your best to keep them alive and you just love them. All of them, regardless of the bad choices and mistakes. You know not to make you feel guilty or anything......
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