I got it from my momma

My mother and I have not always been the best of friends. It is fair to say that I went through my share of the "I hate my life and myself and it is all of your fault" phase. We had a rough go of it growing up and in my immature teenage mind I felt as though SHE should have prevented all of our unnecessary, as I saw it, pain and discomfort. It wasn't until the birth of my own daughter that it hit me. This parenting thing is f@#ing hard and my mom is a rock star. I figured out that while my sister and i were enduring the pain and hardships of our childhood she was protecting us from her own and patching our wounds. She was left alone with two daughters and quite the mess to clean up all while trying to heal from things I still have a hard time imagining. When I thought she was isolating herself from us, she was protecting us from her own pain. When I thought she didn't care about what was important to me, that she didn't get me, she cared more then I ever realized and knew me better then I did myself.

My mom is one of the strongest and most caring people I've ever met. Yeah I know everyone says that but seriously even if she was not my mommy I would think so. She is an RN, an RN that watches people die more then she saves them. She isn't just any nurse either, she is the kind of nurse that gets to know her patients and goes to their funerals. She takes them on like she did her own two girls. She knows what they like and what matters to them, she gets them. She is a friend, the kind of friend you call at 2 am for anything and she is there. She gives and when I say give I mean to a perfect stranger who needs gastric bypass surgery and a cosigner and she just has to help. I can't count how many times I've heard that out of her mouth, "I have to because who else will help them." As you can imagine if this is how she treats perfect strangers, I'm a pretty lucky daughter. Not to mention the awesome attributes she has passed down to me.

The older I get the more I realize that everything about myself that I'm proud of, that I like, I see in her. When I love my own daughters I realize I'm only capable of this love because it's love that I know, the love I know from my mother. I also get my lack of patience and the "you better do it my way," attitude from her as well but hey no one is perfect. I used to try to pretend that what she thought of me didn't matter and everyday I laugh at myself for how far off I was. What she thinks of me means everything and it always has. I share things with her I would not dare share with another soul and I do this because she already knows these things, she gets me. She finishes my thoughts and hugs me before I even start to cry. In her I find an abundance of strength to be a better mom and wife. She doesn't owe me an apology for past mistakes but she approaches them with a sense of humility, I believe for my benefit. Because of that I'm not as scared to make my own mistakes. You know that love you have for your kids, that awesome untouchable love that feels amazing. Well imagine what it feels like to receive that love, it makes you weightless.

The part of all of this that gets me is that I realize this kind of relationship with you mother is rare. I suppose what bewilders me the most is that my own mother was never given this gift of unconditional love from a mother yet she chooses everyday to share it with me. I thank God everyday that she found it inside of herself to make a decision to be a different kind of mother. I'm not sure I could have done the same and I'm very grateful that I don't have to find out.

Guilty until proven innocent

Agonizing over guilt is something that comes along with parenthood, at least for me. Well ok I am a terribly guilt prone person. I was the only kid in my catholic kindergarten class to cry when the nun told us that Jesus died for our sins. What? My sins? My five year old self had committed sins that killed Jesus? Aside from my natural tendency to feeling irrational guilt there is the amazing amount that is forced on us as parents. One cannot help but see it all over the TV, in magazines and the oh so friendly and up in you business mom at the park doesn't help either.

I all too often find myself lying in bed at night thinking "Should I be feeding my kids only organic food? Does Olivia watch too much TV? Is she prepared for school? How about for life? Oh my God I'm a terrible mother!!" On a side note can I ask why organic food costs more if you are not using any chemicals to make it. Shouldn't I be paying more for all of the evil chemicals and fancy soil? But noooo, my organic strawberries with no chemicals that were grown in cow poop and rot quicker cost a fortune. Anyway back to the point, the guilt is endless. I feel guilty when I buy the kids something used and even more guilty when it's new because I am teaching them to expect too much. I feel bad when I teach Olivia to let go during an argument because she will become too passive. But if she stands up for herself she is too aggressive and pushy. What is a mom to do? Why do we have these unrealistic expectations for ourselves?

Nobody wants their kids to grow up and be Hitler or Charles Manson, or is that only my obsession. I find myself asking what did Hitler's mom do? What did Charles Mason's mom feed him for dinner? Oh crap it was the processed sweets wasn't it? Charles Manson ate processed sweets and so do my kids so it's inevitable isn't it? Because when kids grow up and become evil adults it always comes back to the mom. What did that screwed up mom do that poor kid is what they ask. Ok so I'm not Hitler's mom and Olivia is not Charles Manson in the making but still. This is scary stuff, keep you awake at night and obsess for hours scary. And what about all of the less dramatic and hypothetical stuff. I want my kids to be smart and enjoy life to it's fullest. I want them to know what it feels like to really love something and to feel that love from someone else. I want them to be kind and open minded to situations they couldn't possibly understand. I also kind of want them to be cool and have good taste in music, oooh and politics too.

I realize we have very little control over all of our children's choices but it would kill me to know that I did something to hold them back. When I stop and think, I mean really think about being a parent, it terrifies me. I am responsible for someones life here. The decisions I make will help to form them and shape all future relationships they have. I could really screw these girls up if I'm not careful and that blows my mind. They don't say it's the most important job you will ever have for no reason....... because it is!!! Then I remind myself to calm down and take a deep breath. My childhood was by no means perfect and I'm sure my mom didn't know what the hell she was doing most of the time and I turned out only needing a couple of years of therapy to recover. Seriously though all that really mattered was that my mom loved me, unconditionally loved me. I knew I could completely screw up and she would simply hug me and help me figure out what to do next. She loves me whole including bad temper and inappropriate sense of humour. So as guilty as I often feel I know in the end that loving my kids no matter what they do and who they become is the most important part of my job even when I don't get that back, because sometimes you don't.

So you will still obsess over what's in the kid's lunch boxes and whether they had enough mind stimulating activity today because that's what you do. Or in my case whether or not they will end up basing a CSI episode on their crimes. Being a parent involves a lot of guilt and sleepless nights. After those sleepless nights you pull yourself together and put everything you have into loving them. Even if they listen to elevator music and like George W. You take a deep breath, try your best to keep them alive and you just love them. All of them, regardless of the bad choices and mistakes. You know not to make you feel guilty or anything......

Hear me ROAR!

Assertive is not a word I would use to describe myself in many situations. Assertive with my husband, kids and Friends..... well that's a different story but I'm emotionally invested in them so it's easy, or that's my excuse. Assertive with rude waitresses, bad hairdressers and the like I am not. I'm the kind of girl that cringes when someone complains at a restaurant and that does not say a word when the manicurist is causing me great pain. See I've always felt too guilty to speak up, always put myself in their shoes. I also hate ungrateful whiners who behave as if nothing meets their standards. In all efforts to avoid this behavior I've become something worse.....a push over, a wimp! While I'm still realistic about the fact that this probably is not going to change anytime soon there is one thing I have become sure of, one thing I'm not ashamed to stand up for. My children's well being.

Unfortunately this has not always been true in the past. I've let doctor's get too rough with Olivia and put her, well us, in painful situations that resulted in 11 stitches in mommies lip as well as a trip to the ER to get that pesky bead out of her nose. I have not always asked questions about things I should have had explained to me which resulted in a lot of guilt and frustration on my part. After countless times feeling completely left out of the loop and not empowered about my daughter's care I've learned a thing or two. If there is one circumstance where it is completely acceptable to be a demanding and God forbid, whiny person, it's when it comes to being a kick ass no BS mommy.

I took O to the dentist today and the minute I walked in I got the bad mommy juju. I knew something did not feel right and it made me sick to my stomach. It didn't help that I had never seen my daughter on Valium before and while a little funny it was also very frightening to me. I decided to go back with her and when I asked if I should stay I was told, "not if you are going to baby her and make a big deal about it." Red flag number one. Still I struggled with giving them the benefit of the doubt and got the hubby to step in instead. Not ten minutes later I was being called back and informed that because she was crying they would not finish and listened to the assistant make my five year old feel guilty about being scared. I walked out with my half numbed and doped up daughter whom was crying because she kept biting her tongue. I held my composer as I walked out to the car and proceeded to break down on the way home. They treated my baby like crap and I knew it from the beginning. Needless to say we will not be returning to that place and we will be "interviewing" other dentists for the position because if you are taking care of my daughter you dammed well better try to impress me.

I'm my children's advocate, their voice. It's my job to be a pushy stubborn woman when it comes to their well being. My husband made a good point today when he explained that even if we are being unfair and not giving them a chance that's a whole hell of a lot better then compromising the girl's care. So while I might still eat cold soup with a smile on my face and tip the lady who gave me a modern mullet, I will not pacify someone who is not treating my child right. What is "right" for your child is up to you and a standard that need not be lowered to avoid making a scene. I'm a calm and patient woman in many circumstances but if you screw with my kid you will hear me roar and watch out for the claws. Oh yeah and call me Assertive if you must, I'm a mommy and it's kind of part of the job =)